NEWSLETTER #3: THURSDAY MAY 17th

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LOVE ADVICE FROM YOUNG JOSEF STALIN

 

This week, your love dilemmas are answered by Young Josef Stalin: academic, poet, revolutionary, and future dictator.

 

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Dear Young Josef Stalin,

My boyfriend, Jayden, and I have been seeing each other for a few months, and I thought everything was going well- but I found out he's still seeing other people. He told me that we never said we were exclusive and that while he’s really enjoying dating me, he doesn't want to feel “tied down”. I told him it was okay but truthfully, I’m devastated. Should I wait to see if he commits to me, or let him go?

Sincerely,

Tindered, NSW.

 

My dearest comrade Tindered,

I am sorry to hear this news of treachery by the ruinous dog, Jayden. Fortitude and steadfastness are the only true traits of a man. To be without these is to be close to Hell, or worse- womanhood. His impudence must be paid for in lashes in the centre of the town square, so that all can see the weakness of his spirit. Once this is done, you will find yourself overwhelmed with offers from healthy young men, who understand the virtuosity of one-eyed faith. It is from a union such as this that the most robust boys are born, ready to take on the mantle of Communism and the forefathers of our glorious community.

It is with these wishes that I, Young Josef Stalin, hereby denounce the actions of the serf Jayden, publicly and mercilessly. May he be forever interned in a prison of his own villainy! And I, Young Josef Stalin, look forward to raising your new born soldier, bloodied and new, above my head, and letting out a mighty battle cry, with the knowledge that all Russia will abolish the upper class, and continue to crush the oligarchy! GOD BLESS MOTHER RUSSIA.

Do NOT return his latest text. Or at least wait an hour before responding. Then he will know of your anger.

Yours in glory

Young Josef Stalin

 

Dear Young Josef Stalin,

My partner of three years and I have just moved in together. I’ve always thought that Steve was the man I would marry, but everything he does since moving in is driving me crazy- he even leaves the toilet seat up, like in some terrible sitcom! Now I’m not sure if I can spend another month with him, let alone the rest of our lives. We fight all the time about stupid things. Am I overreacting?

Yours,

Going Nuts!, WA

 

My Dear Comrade, Going Nuts!

I am deeply saddened to hear of your growing lunacy. A sickness of the mind is almost impossible to cure: although, I, Young Josef Stalin, had an aunt who was made well by a strong poultice that contained one healthy, defiant beetroot. I recommend that this be drunk with the mandated amount of Vodka.

Once you have reclaimed your senses, you will find that Steve is merely exercising his right as a man, and as such, must be tolerated. I expect that this advice will have reinstated harmony in your transaction with Comrade Steve, and as such, I, Young Josef Stalin, look forward to visiting your home with a large broth, to celebrate your Union. The toilet seat must stay up, as must our indefatigable bloodlust toward those who defy us!

Yours in everlasting faith,

Young Josef Stalin

 

Dear Young Josef Stalin,

My husband of thirty years, Colin, and I, have stopped having sex. I've tried everything, but the bedroom is our Stalingrad. He tells me he just no longer has a high sex drive, but week I found a gigantic folder filled with nautical pornogrpahy on his computer. I am heartbroken- how can I turn my husband’s head again?

Yours truly,

Feeling Unattractive

 

My Comrade, Feeling Unattractive

As a woman whose womb has become listless and fallow, sex should not be permitted in your house. Comrade Colin is also a shameful traitor, for using the flesh as a shallow means of his own production, if you get what I, Young Josef Stalin, mean. If I could, I, Young Josef Stalin would visit your house bare-chested on a dark November night, and wrestle you both to the ground, in front of the villagers, to embarrass and humiliate you both!

I recommend that your instruments of technology by thrown into the lake, and that you occupy yourselves in a productive fashion. Perhaps a small farm, or tannery. Also, please surrender the nautical pornogrpahy to me, Young Josef Stalin, so that I may dispose of them presently.

God bless Mother Russia and all who live within her!

Yours,

Young Josef Stalin

 

Dear Young Josef Stalin,

My fiancé makes much more money than I do- he showers me with gifts and pays for everything. I've tried to explain that this makes me feel uncomfortable, but he thinks i’m being cute. How can I show him I want to be independent?

Please help!

Beyoncé fiancé- VIC

 

Comrade Beyoncé Fiancé,

The solution to your problem is simple: you must destroy capitalism. You see, it is like the two headed dog, who bites itself, but also controls the working classes. I am afraid that your fiancé has fallen prey to its seductive howl, and must be exterminated.

Do not weep, comrade Beyoncé Fiancé! For your astute recognition of his weakness, you shall be given to one of my highest ranking generals in the Revolution, and sit at his right hand, a symbol of the freedom from the oppression of capitalism. When you bear him a Son, that son will grow to spread the blood of our enemies, and anyone who defies our Union! And I, Young Josef Stalin, will smile upon you, a reward for your ovarian gifts to the state!

Yours in honour and strength!

Young Josef Stalin

 

Dear Young Josef Stalin,

I have been single for six years, and just can't seem to meet someone. I have a great job, i’m attractive, and I own my own house. What am I doing wrong?

Yours,

Lonely at thirty- ACT

 

My comrade, lonely at thirty,

Women are not permitted to be over thirty unless they are in the employ of the witch, Baba Yaga. If you wish to join her employ, take one large, strong onion to her in the yurt by the lake. DO NOT TELL HER THAT I, YOUNG JOSEF STALIN, SENT YOU.

This is my command

Yours in the glorious light borne of the destruction of capitalism,

Young Josef Stalin

 

 




 

 




 

 

NEWSLETTER #2: THURSDAY MAY 3rd

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NEWSLETTER #2 3rd May

WHAT IF BEES, BUT TOO MUCH?

Hey there friends, thanks so much to the people who read last week’s newsletter! A specific NO THANKS to the people who disobeyed my specific instructions and told me that the British office was better anyway, even though I made it clear I didn’t want that to happen. Zero thanks for you.

Anyway, this week I thought I’d talk about BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES.  I love bees! Their whole society appeals to me and they make honey. Plus when they bump into each other they make a “whoop” noise. Show me a better animal. What’s that? You CAN’T. Because bees are responsible for cross pollinating approximately 30% of the world’s crops and 90% of the world’s wild plants. So if you like trees, or food, statistically, you like bees.

"No worriezzzzzzzzzz!"

"No worriezzzzzzzzzz!"

 

Imagine if swarms of bees were just wandering around like they were a part of society. I hear what you’re saying: “what? That is monstrous!” or “but why would I imagine this?” or “my husband is allergic to bees! Is he expected to just walk around with his epipen ALL the time?” Yes of course get your husband to carry his epipen, Joan!

But I do think that we would struggle to compete with an animal as effective as a bee. In fact, I think it would look...a little something...like THIS:
 

JOB INTERVIEW

(At office)
INTERVIEWER:        So, what are your strengths, Jared?
JARED:              (A swarm of bees)
INTERVIEWER:        Interesting, and you, Shaun?
SHAUN:              Um...I guess you could say I’m a                          good team player!
INTERVIEWER:        Better than a swarm of bees? Come on                      mate. Jared, you’re hired.
SHAUN:              Gah!
JARED:              (gloats, whilst being a swarm of                          bees.)

DATING

(At a bar)
SONIA:              I think we should see other people.
SHAUN:              What? But why?
SONIA:              There’s someone else. He treats me                        like a queen. All he does is bring                        me pollen and stroke my abdomen. I                        think it’s pretty serious.
SHAUN:              Why didn’t you say anything?
SONIA:              I don’t know, Shaun- you just                            weren’t a good communicator. Not                          like Jared. Oh, here he comes now.
(JARED comes in, swarms up to SONIA)
SONIA:               Whoop!
SHAUN:               GAH!

 

COMPETITIVE SOCIAL SPORTS

(At Thursday night mixed netball)
DAISY:              Shaun, we’re pulling you for the                          third quarter. You’re not listening.
SHAUN:              What? What do you mean?
DAISY:              I said “here if you need” like ten                        times and you just ignored me.
SHAUN:              I thought that was just...a thing                        you were saying.
DAISY:              We’re putting Jared on instead. He                        actually plays like he’s in a team.                      And he is. Of bees.
JARED:              (A swarm of bees, in a Goal Attack                        netball bib).
SHAUN:             GAAAAH!

BLOKEY FIGHTS

(In carpark)
SHAUN:             That’s it you dog, I don’t know why                       you’re ruining my life but I’ve had                       enough of it. Come here!
(SHAUN punches JARED)
JARED:             (Unaffected. He is a swarm of bees.)
SHAUN:             NOOOOOOOOOO!

And that’s how we’ll FINALLY defeat toxic masculinity.

A friend said today, “what if in ten years, we look back on things like binary sexuality with horror, like we do with slavery” and I was like “mmm, maybe, but mostly in ten years we’ll be worried about how to grow food and find water.” This is something I say a lot when people worry about the future, because it’s true and I don’t apologise for it, no matter how many “children I upset” or “weddings I ruin”.

So, the moral is: start stockpiling your water now, and give your bees a hug.

Thanks for reading! Next week: I give LOVE ADVICE!