NEWSLETTER #1 26th April


Hello and welcome to my very first newsletter!

I really don’t expect anyone to read this, but I was looking around the internet and was like, wow there’s not enough information and content on here so I thought I would contribute, which is nice of me!

If you are new to me or my site or the internet: bonjour! The internet is a terrible place where people get angry about the misgendering of a bee or a woman enjoying herself or a woman not enjoying herself or a woman being unattractive or a woman being too attractive or a woman using makeup to feel attractive or a woman having power or a woman not having power or a woman doing comedy or a woman being a doctor! It’s super tough out there if you are okay with women doing anything!

But if you aren’t, you’ll fit right in. I used to yell at people online a lot but then I got faced with the idea that I only have a limited number of days on the earth, and I didn’t want to spend any of them anxious because of what reddit user @vulvaburner69 had said about me. So, I stopped doing that, which has been good for me. I do think it’s really easy to be mean online because you can’t see the person’s face when you call them a “bin liner that a sewer rat uses for a hammock”.So you’ll never know if their face is sad because they’ve been called that, or if their face is happy because they’re thinking about a cute little rat making a hammock. Scientifically, that is very cute.

I’ve been thinking about niceness a lot lately, because I have been trying to be nicer. Man, it is tough. I’ve been travelling a lot for work this month, which means I’ve been on a plane four times a week minimum and oh my gosh, there is no worse place to view humanity than through the lens of having to share a plane with them. It’s so hard to be nice on a plane. I think the worst place to die would be on a plane because the last thing you smelled would have been Sharon’s fart air mixed with creamy plane pasta and having Clifford’s elbow touching you JUST ENOUGH to drive you insane.

The other reason I’ve been thinking about niceness a lot lately is because I’ve been rewatching the American Office. Before you do anything else, wow it’s so kind of you to tell me that the British one is superior, wow I don’t care, (insert name of white guy here). But truthfully the central romantic lead on the show, Jim Halpert, is kind of redundant now and it makes me a bit sad. Like most straight white women, I had a big crush on Jim (played by World’s Most Handsome Man John Krasinski) because of his easy going nature and his silly pranks and most of all, his love for secretary Pam (played by never to be seen again Jenna Fischer). But watching it again, I’m like, man- some of these pranks on Dwight are a bit mean. And also, obsessing over a girl who has a fiance and is clearly going to marry someone else is really off. And also, buying a house without telling her after you wear her down seems romantic, but is actually pretty full on. And also, investing $10k of American money in a company without telling your wife is a particularly bad thing to do. I guess what I’m trying to say is, all of this behaviour gets overlooked because he is a NICE GUY and you’re not supposed to get mad at NICE GUYS, you have to reward them because they are NICE GUYS as opposed to BAD BOYS. BAD BOYS throw cigarettes at you and eat the last apple in the bowl even if it’s not theirs. They chuck recyclable plastic into the landfill bin and feed bread to ducks, even though this is very bad for them. BAD BOYS are still somehow attractive, even though they are bad. NICE GUYS are often left wanting, and when they gain enough Experience Points they may turn into the kind of NICE GUYS FINISH LAST that happens when boys are told they deserve a sex just for being nice. I guess what I’m thinking lately is that being nice should be a baseline for human decency rather than a bonus, and that Jim should have told Pam he was buying her a house. 

"I'm an asshole- don't tell anyone!"

"I'm an asshole- don't tell anyone!"

You shouldn't get sex just for being nice. I’m going to try to be nicer about Sharon’s farts and let Clifford rest a tiny bit of his elbow on me. Nice people don’t finish anywhere except where they’re supposed to finish, sexually or otherwise.  

Thanks for reading! You can comment below if you want, but you’re not allowed to be mean to me because I don’t want that.

NEXT WEEK: I’m going to publish my NSFW erotic Jurassic Park fanfiction! Tune in next Thursday to see what horrible things I’ve done to beloved fictional palaeontologists.