NEWSLETTER #2 3rd May
WHAT IF BEES, BUT TOO MUCH?
Hey there friends, thanks so much to the people who read last week’s newsletter! A specific NO THANKS to the people who disobeyed my specific instructions and told me that the British office was better anyway, even though I made it clear I didn’t want that to happen. Zero thanks for you.
Anyway, this week I thought I’d talk about BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES. I love bees! Their whole society appeals to me and they make honey. Plus when they bump into each other they make a “whoop” noise. Show me a better animal. What’s that? You CAN’T. Because bees are responsible for cross pollinating approximately 30% of the world’s crops and 90% of the world’s wild plants. So if you like trees, or food, statistically, you like bees.
Imagine if swarms of bees were just wandering around like they were a part of society. I hear what you’re saying: “what? That is monstrous!” or “but why would I imagine this?” or “my husband is allergic to bees! Is he expected to just walk around with his epipen ALL the time?” Yes of course get your husband to carry his epipen, Joan!
But I do think that we would struggle to compete with an animal as effective as a bee. In fact, I think it would look...a little something...like THIS:
INTERVIEWER: So, what are your strengths, Jared?
JARED: (A swarm of bees)
INTERVIEWER: Interesting, and you, Shaun?
SHAUN: Um...I guess you could say I’m a good team player!
INTERVIEWER: Better than a swarm of bees? Come on mate. Jared, you’re hired.
JARED: (gloats, whilst being a swarm of bees.)
(At a bar)
SONIA: I think we should see other people.
SHAUN: What? But why?
SONIA: There’s someone else. He treats me like a queen. All he does is bring me pollen and stroke my abdomen. I think it’s pretty serious.
SHAUN: Why didn’t you say anything?
SONIA: I don’t know, Shaun- you just weren’t a good communicator. Not like Jared. Oh, here he comes now.
(JARED comes in, swarms up to SONIA)
COMPETITIVE SOCIAL SPORTS
(At Thursday night mixed netball)
DAISY: Shaun, we’re pulling you for the third quarter. You’re not listening.
SHAUN: What? What do you mean?
DAISY: I said “here if you need” like ten times and you just ignored me.
SHAUN: I thought that was just...a thing you were saying.
DAISY: We’re putting Jared on instead. He actually plays like he’s in a team. And he is. Of bees.
JARED: (A swarm of bees, in a Goal Attack netball bib).
SHAUN: That’s it you dog, I don’t know why you’re ruining my life but I’ve had enough of it. Come here!
(SHAUN punches JARED)
JARED: (Unaffected. He is a swarm of bees.)
And that’s how we’ll FINALLY defeat toxic masculinity.
A friend said today, “what if in ten years, we look back on things like binary sexuality with horror, like we do with slavery” and I was like “mmm, maybe, but mostly in ten years we’ll be worried about how to grow food and find water.” This is something I say a lot when people worry about the future, because it’s true and I don’t apologise for it, no matter how many “children I upset” or “weddings I ruin”.
So, the moral is: start stockpiling your water now, and give your bees a hug.
Thanks for reading! Next week: I give LOVE ADVICE!